I played college hockey for UPJ and IUP back in the early nineties. The home rink for both teams was the Johnstown War Memorial Arena. This “rink” was home to the Johnstown Jets in the 70s and early 80s and, since 1988 or so, the Johnstown Chiefs. The town is a complete shithole and even God hates it. The town managed to survive three massive floods and even a huge fire. It just won’t die.

The best hockey movie of all-time was filmed in the town in 1977. Slapshot, starring Paul Newman, was actually written by a woman. The movie might have subjected us to every dumbass hockey fan thinking all hockey players are goons, but it was a damn funny flick. The movie features a ton of awesome lines and here are my favorites:

McGrath:Reg, Reg, that reminds me. I was coachin’ in Omaha in 1948 and Eddie Shore sends me this guy who was a terrible masturbator, you know, couldn’t control himself. Why, he would get deliberate penalties so he could get over in the penalty box all by himself and damned if he wouldn’t… you know…

Reggie Dunlop: Goddamn lard-ass Barkley Donaldson, I’m tellin’ you he jumped us!
Steve Hanson: [nodding head] Mm huh.
Reggie Dunlop: Gloves off, stick down, no warning, he challenged the Chiefs!
Steve Hanson: Called us names!
Reggie Dunlop: Called us names! But Dave was there.
Steve Hanson: Dave’s a killer!
Johnny Upton: Dave’s a mess.
Reggie Dunlop: But Dave’s out. Who’s gonna take his place?
Ned Braden: Is the answer Jesus?

Johnny Upton: Jesus, what did the old man trade for these assholes, a used puck bag?

Jim Carr: Oh this young man has had a very trying rookie season, with the litigation, the notoriety, his subsequent deportation to Canada and that country’s refusal to accept him, well, I guess that’s more than most 21-year-olds can handle. Number six, Ogie Oglethorpe.

Jim Carr: Hi, Jim Carr again. Denis, I know that some in our audience don’t know the finer points of hockey. Could you tell them, for example, what is icing?
Denis Lemieux: Well, um, icing happen when the puck come down, bang you know, before the other guys you know. Nobody there, you know. My arm go comes up then the game stop then start up.
Jim Carr: I see. What is high-sticking?
Denis Lemieux: High-sticking happen when the guy take the stick, you know, and he go like that
[high-sticks Jim Carr]
Denis Lemieux: you know. You don’t do that.
Jim Carr: You don’t do that?
Denis Lemieux: Oh no, never, never.
Jim Carr: Why not?
Denis Lemieux: Against the rules. You know, you’re stupid when you do that. Just some English pig with no brains, you know.
Jim Carr: Uh, what is slashing?
Denis Lemieux: Slashing is um, like that
[demonstrates on Jim Carr]
Denis Lemieux: you know.
Jim Carr: Mm-hmm. And there’s a penalty for that?
Denis Lemieux: Yeah and for the trip also, you know like that
[demonstrates]
Denis Lemieux: . And for hook like this
[demonstrates]
Denis Lemieux: . And for spear, you know, like that.
[demonstrates]
Denis Lemieux: You do that, you go to the box, you know. Two minutes, by yourself, you know and you feel shame, you know. And then you get free.

Denis Lemieux: I’m tired of it! Puke! Blah! All the time, puke!
Reggie Dunlop: You’re a goalie, you’re supposed to be like that.

On a side note, my cousin and I ran into Steve Carlson (he played Steve Hanson) in a bar one night when he was coaching the Chiefs and made complete asses of ourselves. (This was a common occurrence for us when we were in our early 20s.)

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